[ Her face is turned away, the set of her hair over her face to keep her expression hidden to herself, because neither of them can look at each other, it seems. She swallows, dry, the air seems so lacking in warmth now and she should have known this could never have ended well. But in her desperate to keep her close to her, to reconcile this pull between them, she had ignored it all for the hope of something else instead. So willing to shut her eyes, and she'd lie, except she'd promised she never would about herself again, or on anyone else's behalf.
Presses her lips together, and it is so, so quiet, what she knows is worse, than whatever it is Parker fears would happen to her. That the hive would consume her, and no doubt, one day she would make that sacrifice. But in that way, she would always be part of the hive. ]
Because I'm dead, Parker, the symbiote is the only thing keeping me alive. My father ruined me, he destroyed my body so utterly and my life meant nothing, that what the hive has done for me is the only reason I am with you now. I can't risk my body rejecting it, or it rejecting me.
[ She can't be sure what causes it, why some of them go to sleep, but she was determined with all of herself to keep hanging onto this chance of life that she had been so utterly denied. She wouldn't risk the chance that it ended a day too soon. This - all of it - was too precious, that for the first time in her life she could truly help the people she cared about. That she could kiss Parker until her body went numb with it - it's all because they had taken her away, given her this moment.
And now, she does push away, side-stepping out from under her, her arms tucking in close to her and shut herself away. It's done, it's just... done. She doesn't have anything else to say really. ] I'm... I'm going to go, okay?
[ Whatever she was expecting, it definitely was not that. Something about loyalty to the hive, to Cathaway, whatever. What comes out of her mouth is so raw and unfiltered, it hits her like an iron fist, rips the air out of her lungs. Tears still dropping, uneven stream down her cheeks, her eyebrows climb up slowly on her forehead and her eyes widen in shock. Doesn't know which feeling to pinpoint in that moment.
Only a beat after it is clear which one is spreading from her chest to the rest of her. Anger flares and she can barely contain it behind those immense walls, seeping through the smallest crack, climbing up like a disease. Not to Angel, no, but to her situation and to the hive and how dare they prey on the weak, pretending to be giving them a chance when really they are just chaining them to an eternal prison of servitude and mindlessness.
Parker feels like... Well, mostly like an asshole, but also decisively at loss for words. Her eyes searching Angel's quickly then, like in panic, and she wants to-- Oh, she has no idea what she wants. Feels sick and helpless and hates the feeling of not being able to do anything. Conflicted and robbed of hope: whatever had been hiding deep down, that maybe she could make Angel see that there were other ways away from the hive, all gone.
She can't breathe for a second and has to crouch, pressing her forehead to her knees, slowly slipping her hands over her head, into her hair, gripping too tight, until it hurts. Shoulders shaking and she has no idea what to make of it. Doesn't say anything when Angel starts to move away. For a long time, too.
Then she finally finds her voice, hoarse and sticky, tongue dry and throat raw. ]
Don't go.
[ She could say a thousand things. She could say nothing. She could demand answers. Demand why she did not tell her before. But she chooses to beg into her jeans. Does not chase her because it is not right, would never do that.
But the thought of her gone is too much. The absolute certainty that she will never have anything else but this. The inevitability that they will break away one day, getting closer to that moment each second that goes by. Parker is anger and sadness and loss and terrifying loneliness, all in that second. ]
[ One word almost too late, she's ready to turn on her heel and just go. Because she never wanted this. She never wanted any of this. But she can't deny Parker anything either, can she? She stands there for awhile, at a loss of what to do. It has been a long, long time since she cried at anything - because she had gone numb, long before this point. Her eyes lowered and watching her, no part of her is ready for this conversation. She was intent on putting it all behind her, only for it to come up now.
She pretends so often to be a qualitative force, all soft-spoken words to help others in their grieving, but she has never stopped to do the same for herself. Her eyes down, feeling an acrid taste in her mouth. This is it, isn't it? This is what they will be.
She never wanted any of this, she had only wanted to snatch her life for seconds that she never got, she only wanted to have happiness and everything in between that she had never felt. Something tears itself up inside of her as she kneels in front of her for awhile, still at a loss, she just can't stand to see her curled up little like this.
Swallows, her fingers hover without touching, not sure how to. She feels vulnerable and open. ]
[ Angel is so quiet that Parker thinks she has already lost her and it makes her gasp for air as a sob rakes through her. All that strength she puts up, the front of stoicism, the anger, all of it is a mask for Parker's immense sadness. It is why she is so loyal to the small circle she lets in. She would do anything to keep them safe. She would set herself on fire. She would burn for them. And maybe that is her overpowering sense of worthlessness and guilt, or the need she has for self-destruction. Whatever it is, regardless of its violence, it is moved by her heart. She tries to keep it hidden. But sometimes she feels so much she thinks she could bleed through her chest.
She feels her settle in front of her but doesn't-- can't move. Trying to breathe in. Breathe out. Fingers so tight in her hair she might just rip it out. Knows, knows so well, knows too much, that this is what they are and all they can be and nothing more, nothing less. How they will always walk the tight space of distant threads that are so tangled up any pull on them makes them tighter and painful. She never wanted to be more, never wanted for this to happen. She didn't want her kindness nor her warmth. But Angel had given her that, more, more, and Parker kept chasing it. Like running a straight line in the dark with no direction. Always trying to reach but never quite fully there.
Parker doesn't look up. She falls forward. Scrapping knees on the ground, but that is only normal. Curls her fingers around the front of Angel's jacket and keeps herself there. Touching but at a distance. Her whole body weighs like sinking steel. Clings to her clothes, tight under curled fingers, head down. ]
Don't go.
[ She says again in a sob, in a small voice, in a nothingness of a whisper. Looks up to her, eyes wet, shiny, red. Feels so-- betrayed, but knows she has no right to feel like that, she has her own secrets, with so many walls, but it hurts that she didn't know, that she only told her because she pushed and it shatters through her like glass, cuts like shards, bleeds tiny cuts everywhere. ]
I need you.
[ Selfish coward. Weak, worthless, guilty. And yet she still gets to be the one that lives. ]
[ She leans back as Parker leans into her, her arms slipping around Parker's shoulders, an anchoring point to draw her in and down, tilting herself close into the railing they had been leant against before. An invitation to curl against her, to wrap them close together, pressing her face against Parker's hair and fingers curling up tightly in her clothes, legs curling underneath her.
It's mess, they're a mess, and it's the same raw breath she takes in deep like she was dying all over again. ]
I'm here, I'll always be here with you.
[ She has nowhere else to go, that much is obvious now. This is her, beginning middle and - no end, she knows now, but an infinity. Across a thousand screens and a thousand machines and in the long echoes of the hives memories, it is where she will be.
She is thankful of the hive, not hateful of it. Long ago, she was asked if this felt like freedom to her - but the thing was, Cathaway had never lied to her. She said she could make this place a home, a family of her own, and she had, made up for all her own empty spaces, and taught her what it was to be needed for herself, not for her use. ]
[ There is no way she could fight it, then again, why would she-- Parker goes with the soft pull, falling against Angel. Burrows against her like she always does when they sleep close. Keeps holding on to Angel, holding so tight. Could almost melt in to her. Buries her face against her chest, curling under her arms so small. Trying to stop the ache and the tears but finding it impossible to.
The words sting more than they help. Always here. She knows. Parker frowns, gripping tightly on to Angel. It is closer to the absolute truth than she wants it to be. She will always be part of this thing. Parker has yet to quit searching for a way out (one of those secrets), has yet to give up on finding a way to peel the symbiote from her. And nothing could stop her from trying - except death.
She lets herself stay there, anchor in Angel, shoulders trembling with each stronger sob, muffling shaky, breathless gasps into her chest. Maybe part of her wished she could take Angel with her, maybe she just thought that she could take away the symbiote from everyone, let it rot somewhere. A pure rejection of it. Diseases use bodies as hosts. It is nothing more than a parasite. But she can't, now.
Angel is there, now, then, and so Parker keeps still for it. Wraps her fingers around her wrist, holding on. And she stays there, not moving, not wanting to move. Wanting to keep the memory of her intact. Trying to take in Angel's kindness and warmth and calmness in to her soul, and maybe that will ease the pain, but the only thing that does is her presence and her existence and how it shortens every day it passes. And if she can have her arms near one more time, she will take it. ]
[ With no idea of what else to do, she stays curled around her, doesn't pull away, doesn't yank or fight her. Just burrows in close to her, lets her hold as tight as she wants. She is nothing but calm acceptance, an evenness of looking at the world.
Can think of nothing, for awhile, watching the suns move above them. Then idly, drawing her fingers through her hair, dark against her pale fingers. ]
I am sorry you had to find out. I never thought... it would ever come up, I guess.
[ She had wanted so much to pretend that her old life held no sway over her. She had shed it, burned it all from herself like the phoenixes they so often called sirens. Maybe not that she had been born free, so much as just born again. A different life that was all her own now. She was content, to just it all go. ]
[ She always knew that this, them, had a short span. Always knew it was something that would not last. Something short and easy. But there is a difference between knowing and accepting it. She thought she had. That she was all set to break apart when the time came. It is the main reason for the avoidance. For the fleeing looks and the shyness (other than, actual shyness). She hasn't, however. Because being with her makes her feel a little bit better about all this. Feels like it doesn't tire herself that much, even when it does. A little solace in all of this.
But she hasn't accepted and it is why it hurts so much. Parker presses her face tighter against Angel's shoulder as the ache spreads over her, doesn't go, clings to her like tar. She slips her arms around her waist, flattens her hands against her back. Feels-- sorry. Feels for her. Feels bad about all of this and most of all, hates that she can do nothing to help Angel and is so jealous the hive has given her an answer (not that she would know her if she hadn't, but for all her logical side, Parker often thinks with her heart).
She opens her eyes, cheek against her shoulder, as she stares off into nothing. The horizon of the tall buildings, all alien and pretty. Pain still swirling, but pushing it slowly inside of her. Swallowing it down and into her chest, where it burns and transforms into anger. But not now. Now she is just-- aching. Parker leans her head back slightly, pressing her nose to her cheek. Doesn't say anything because she has nothing to say (never has the proper words anyway). Brushes her lips to her soft skin. Takes in her scent and god, she wants to memorize it forever. ]
I'm sorry.
[ And it has been years since those words have left her mouth. But she is not apologizing for what it is, or what it was. She is apologizing for what will inevitably be. ]
[ It's the last thing she wants anyone to tell her, her face turning into Parker's cheek, a smooth motion as she nuzzles back into her.
There's a lot more to it, other than she died, other than she had been alive, other than the hive had given her a way out of her own fate. Because she had been ready to do, it's not like it had snuck on her, she had years and years of watching, waiting, knowing and accepting what had happened to her. ]
I spent years, watching others, my whole life, in fact. So much misery and so much death. Because that's what Pandora is. [ It's murmured softly, quiet like secrets maybe should be and she has far, far too many of them. ] I learned that eventually what was and could have been doesn't really matter, to what you do now.
[ and Parker - Parker more than anything, made her happy, made her feel whole and wanted and she is just as selfish with that want. A greediness that only loneliness makes as she turns into her. ]
Parker brings one of her hands up to wipe her face, eyes and nose and cheek a shade of red and pink. Her other hand curls its fingers around her jacket like she doesn't ever want to let go (she will have to one day, but not now, not today, should, but can't, would make it easier the earlier she does but how could she, when she holds her like that and feels so warm and is so kind and so gentle and has her fingers in her hair and keeps her close, so close?). Lays her cheek back on her shoulder, facing her neck, so pretty and pale. Still hurt, still a heavy pain in her heart. Parker sighs through her nose, closing her eyes for a moment.
She should let go in that moment. Like ripping a bandaid. Easier when it's still early (but it is already so late). Sometimes she can feel it, the way there is more than Angel in there and it wrenches in her heart like poison. Watches across the room, sometimes, when she isn't looking, and it clogs in her throat, in the pit of her stomach. Every day a little harder to bear.
And then, she says things like that. Parker knows what her apology meant. Angel still does not. And one day she will, maybe, when she inevitably dives into her destruction. Somehow.
Parker lifts her head from her shoulder finally, eyes still wet and agonisingly sad. Looks over her face, her eyes, her mouth. Doesn't have it in her to say that she wants to rip away from all of this. That she might just become her own Pandora. There is no courage in her to speak such words. She slips a hand against the side of her neck, tracing her thumb over her jaw. Frowns, because it hurts. How can she let go of her when she has barely held on?
Instead, she can only beg. ]
You're here now. [ And in this moment, just for now, Parker wants to wrap around her and shield her from all the death and misery she will one day bring and she knows there will be no turning back, no forgiveness, but she keeps it a secret. For this one moment, she can keep it away from her.
She leans in, kisses her soft, barely a touch. Leans back again, to look to her eyes. ]
[ There was something she could probably say, some soft word to soothe them both but -- what was there really, to tilting her face against Parker's, kissing her then with her fingers through her hair and her body settled warm underneath her.
It's coaxing, inviting into her own solidness. One kiss in a brush, and then another, her lips parting against hers, a soft barely there sound she presses into her because -- it's instant, quick pulsing light that shudders out of her. Echoing brightly, so utterly entranced so much by the contact and of having. Needful and open. Holding herself just so inside the brace of Parker's fingers.
Her eyes close, and she leans into her, as much as she leans. Some days she thinks she could be this warm for days, for Parker. ]
[ Angel does not answer her with words, but she feels like she does not need her to do it with words when it is so clearly written in the way she holds her close, that she kisses her so sweet. She shifts from her position, half laying on the floor, to press closer as Angel leans in to her. Shifts her hand down her neck and slips arm over her shoulder; all wrapped around her like that.
She tries not to be, well, too much, but how could she not? Parker breathes softly into the kiss before pulling back just a fraction. Hovers over her mouth like that, looking up to her eyes. She has no idea why it affects her so, the way Angel is, the way she feels, the way she cares for her. Sweet and unashamedly so. Parker kisses her cheek once, lingering. Wants to tell her she is sorry and won't stop feeling like that for a long time and eventually will have to come to terms that it is a weight she is going to carry all her life (doesn't have to, could easily fall in to the hive and would accepted in a warm embrace, but it doesn't work like that for her, would not allow herself to lose agency, to lose her memories and her fight). Buries her face in her neck and breathes shakily, before pressing small kisses to her skin and for a moment that is all she wants, to adore her with her lips. Not the best place or position for it, but they are there and the moment is there and it is impossible not to hurt with it.
Parker leans back up to her lips and parts them around Angel's, not too intense about it but definitely wanting. And it lasts, lasts for a long time, as long as Angel will let her kiss her and slip her tongue in to her mouth. Not the kind of rush that comes with hot heartbeats, but a languidness that comes with longing. They should move, they should, but, ah, she is too warm and too comfortable in Angel's arms, safe and wanted and existing. ]
[ It steals her breath in a trickle out of her lungs, she can see the suns that shone bright a brilliant above Parker, filtering light through her hair. Feels it bright in her eyes -- and maybe there is something poetic in that, in how she is now, that she is looking at this all with the sun in her eyes, but as long as Parker is kissing her she doesn't care. She is here, and Parker is here, and the sun is shining on them and she doesn't care about anything more than this right now.
Because this might be something she never dared to dream of but as Parker's kisses wonder across her skin, she arches for it, like she found so easy to do. Her fingers uncurling only to grip again, a little lower, sharp into her shoulders, holding her tightly to keep her there, kissing her, an echo of a word in her throat that is stillborn, formed and forgotten as she feels the brush of Parker's tongue in her mouth and rolls the line of her body in beckoning. Because she wants that pain, sweet as it is.
It's there, that she ought to press some sense into them. ( As much as the thought of letting Parker kissing her there is a vivid thought, as gritty and as detailed, of laying here, bared, in the sun like it's all theirs and everyone else could be damned - but she'd found out she had far less hang ups about that then Parker did ). Instead, she pulls away just barely, swallowing, lips reddened and wet and her eyes bright - ]
Find me somewhere where I can touch you?
[ Silly because, well she is, regardless, but she figures Parker can fill in the blanks. Because she wants to, oh she wants to, she adores her, it sings so brightly in her mind there's no mistaking that under current, she wants to pour over her, as if - as if she could make it all up, somehow, press quiet forgive me's into her dip of her ribs. Give her sharp, sharp memories, as real as her teeth dragging across her thighs. ]
[ It seems that Angel always knows what to say or what to do, what to push in to her soul (that Parker is still so careful about, keeps it closed even around Angel - even if she is much more open to her than anyone else). Fingers in her hair and Parker is all weak and soft and easy for her, always is, pulling her closer with the hand on her back. Doesn't break from her lips, because she can't, afraid she will stop breathing if she does. Shifts into her, her hand around her shoulder going further out to wrap her fingers around the railing - again trapping her without closing off all the exits, still gentle and soft, not pushing but taking what she gives her so freely. Because it makes it easier, makes it less painful, and she doesn't feel it rip apart from inside if Angel keeps holding her, her fingers in her hair feel better than almost anything, the way she holds her close like that.
Parker tilts her head almost obediently to Angel's, following her kisses and her lips and drowns in it. In her.
It is impossible for Parker not to follow her mouth when Angel pulls back to speak, too close to not to give in to that temptation. But she lets her speak when her first words are pressed into her lips, slowly opening her eyes up to her. And it makes her heart race a little faster and swell up and sometimes she wonders just exactly how much does Angel know how her words affect her (she is sure she does, she knows well how to use them, better than bullets), how her words can make her do anything she asked her. Her eyes linger on hers, before they skim over to her lips again, exhale, back up to her again. Curling hair sticking slightly everywhere at the back of her head because of Angel's hand and that is perfect.
Saying what she is saying... Parker looks almost taken aback by her own keen want over just the thought of it. ]
Oh, I-- Okay. [ But she doesn't move right away, cheeks now not just red from her tears but from a bursting heart and a warmth that is all too familiar, that Angel can easily bring forth with a touch, with a word. ] We can go back to the quarters?
[ She almost, almost would let her pull her into her right there and then. It crosses her mind. Would do it, if Angel told her to, because she can't deny her anything, but there is definitely part of her that feels... Shy about it, would rather have the privacy, always been like that. ]
It's not far.
[ She lowers her eyes down her neck, watching, lower, twist in her belly. ]
[ There's a power she knows she has there - not just in her kindness, that Parker is just as empty as she, but that she can very much feel her eyes on her her when they aren't meeting her gaze at all. It was good -- she didn't mind. Her body was still something she was working out years later than most people did, glad to feel - appreciated. But appreciated felt mild, she knew, for the heat she found so often in her gaze, felt in her own too often.
Her hands sweep up her back, fingers splayed wide and she swells with a deep breath - it's so tempting to roll her back now in a curled tight impatience and greed. But she bites her lip, stills the want, and nods slowly. ]
Alright.
[ It's an agony, to peel her fingers away, to drop her hands onto the ground, but it's as much as she can do, trapped there under Parker. Her eyes looking up at her face, patiently waiting for her to move off of her. Not in any hurry, regardless. ]
[ Her hand is the first thing Parker moves, off the small of her back-- only to bring it to the outside of her thigh, still a little distracted. Says something, but she does not quite register it until a few moments later. Blinks then, back up to her face, how she is smiling and... waiting?
Oh, yeah. Right. Needs to move.
Parker finds herself feeling silly and fumbles slightly. Nods again to Angel, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. She moves away from her, slow and steady, up to her feet, holding both her hands down for Angel to take them. Tugs her up, close, breathing a little shakily. Kisses her again. Just one more, before they have to go out in public.
[ She takes her hands up, levering herself up onto her feet, then up onto her toes to kiss her properly. The brief peck and -- she will still never understand Parker's shyness about being seen together. Like the whole hive didn't already know. But -- well she liked touching her a great more than she thinks she probably should.
Sinks down back to flat feet and nods the once. ]
Can't go down the stairs like everyone else? [ Smiles, brief, teasing before she disentangles herself. ] See you soon.
[ Wonders which way is honestly quicker, but for all her worry about Angel being part of the hive, Angel herself fretted at the way she threw herself around so openly. ]
[ All that she can answer to Angel is a small shrug, casual. No, she can't go down the stairs, because that would be boring, and why would she when she has the skill to jump across rooftops and run freely through vertiginous heights? Still, she has a softer look on her face, a little better at handling the still beating ache underneath. And in fact, the path back to the quarters might do her some good. Clear her mind with all the running.
She gives her a little wave before she sets off; quick, makes it look easy as she leaps over the railings and slides down the steep roof of the building. Slides too fast, or looks like it, but it is with years of training that Parker knows well when to push up and jump across the roof to the next one, further down with a considerable distance.
It doesn't take long for Parker to disappear from sight. She seldom needs the spine in her to absorb impacts, so well practiced she is in the art of parkour, years and years of it under her belt, every day trying to become a little better.
Her competitive nature comes out easily, and she makes a point of getting there as fast as she can, as if to prove to Angel her reasoning to not to take the stairs. Faster and quieter, running through unfamiliar land, alien and strange, but something she has grown used through the space and time they have traveled with the hive.
So, basically, Parker is a child that will try to get to the finishing line before Angel and doesn't even have the decency of using the front door, slipping through the open window of her room. Energized from it, better in her mind to have cleared it out with her athletics. Helps, a little. Not as much as Angel does, but enough for the moment. Plops down on the window sill to pull off her boots already. ]
[ She can't help it -- she worries too much and so often, that when Parker flings herself away, Angel follows after to see where she was going. Hands braced on the ledge, looking over, to make sure she's alright until she can't see her anymore. Rolls her eyes in plain affection for Parker's need to -- be Parker.
She goes then, and she doesn't really expect to beat her back, but she's still quick. Heading back towards her room -- and isn't even slightly surprised when she finds Parker already there. Some half formed threat that goes no further than another roll of her eyes, that one day she will just shut that window on one of these planets.
She shuts the door behind her with a click, locking it pointedly. Parker cares a great deal more than she does sometimes about such different things. She turns back to her, dropping her jacket by the door as she comes further into the small room. ]
[ It is in the little things Parker most appreciates Angel; the way she leaves the window always unlocked, always a little bit open for her to slip through. The attention she always gives to ensure the door is locked, even when she personally couldn't care less.
Parker already has her boots off when Angel gets there, jacket left on the back of a chair, wearing only her loose white top, always simple and monochrome colours for her. She looks up from her bottle, water-like liquid with a honey aftertaste. Good enough for an alien planet. Smiles around it and puts the lid back on, setting it on the desk next to her. ]
Yeah.
[ She leans back on the window sill, fingers around it as she shrugs her shoulders a little. Her collarbone dips with the position, bringing to view a very clear mark down her neck, a memory for not many days ago left by Angel (not that she minds, might just as well be kind of happy with the mark left by her). ]
You took long.
[ Not a complaint, but rather a tease, eyebrow arching slightly. See? Stairs are useless. ]
[ She looks - right. Framed there against the window with the light streaming through. Comfortable. Like it should be if they were both very different people and life hadn't done the things it had to them both. ]
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?
[ Counters light and airy as she -- doesn't quite come closer to Parker, deliberately so. Rather, she might have just taken her damn time in particular, except not really, because she was just as impatient sometimes. Kept it to herself, most of the time, she just found it exceptionally easy to selfish where Parker was concerned, and Parker didn't seem to mind in the slightest. ]
[ Parker keeps her eyes on Angel as she speaks, giving her a little eye roll in return for her words. What an excuse. But that is fine, the competition had just been in her own head and besides, she would definitely be pouty if she hadn't gotten there first (she does not like to be proven wrong ever, stubborn as she is, prideful as she is).
Her fingers drum against the window sill as Angel does not seem to move an inch and she holds out for a second, before pushing herself off from it, walking over to Angel because she knows well that, although Parker is stubborn, when it comes to her, she is the most flexible person in the world and willing to do her bidding.
And also because she has no control over her impatience.
But at least she keeps her hands to herself, slipping on the back pocket of her black jeans. Leans just a little to kiss her cheek gently, nosing along the jaw without touching too much, just barely there. ]
Are you thirsty or hungry? I can get something if you want.
[ She turns her face up, eyes slipping closed and there's something that's all indulgence to the gesture. A familiarity that comes with time that she hadn't realised could be as nice as it is until she came here. ]
No, I'm alright.
[ Turns, and there's something so satisfying when she leans in just enough to brush the tip of her nose against the mark she'd left. ] You? Sure that running didn't tire you out?
[ Parker is still fussy about the marks Angel leaves. Gets all embarrassed about them. Unfortunately it only happens after the fact, after Angel has painted her skin in sweet bruises, because more often than not, the moment she starts with them, Parker is very much adamant in not stopping her. And that gets her to adapt a very comfortable style of using scarves every so often.
She smiles a little to herself when she feels Angel nose at her collarbone and turns her face in to her hair, letting it tickle her nose. Wants to put her arms around her shoulders, but she is being stubborn for the sake of being a brat. At least she does not withhold other affections, like pressing a little kiss to the side of her head, before planting her cheek there. Breathes softly, eyes closing as she enjoys the moment. Simple and calm and painless, for once. Can forget about the sadness for a little while. Short, but worth it. ]
Are you saying I tire easily?
[ Mock offense to her tone, though it is more neutral, so much she sounds like she is genuinely posing a question. ]
I mean, I know you try to test my limits often, but I think you lose all the time? If I'm not mistaken?
[ There's an all too determined flick up of her gaze, a pointed half step in, lingering her closeness but not - quite - touching. Rather just shares the warmth that closeness provides.
But it's so, so easy to be awful when she's allowed to. Teeth catching on her lip, and she always used her words, always so carefully, and used to using them, but maybe not quite like this. Not with such immediate results, and there's more to using them than just saying them she's found out. Her head turning up to brush her lips at her ear, voice inviting.
An agreement, but with cost. Because she knows particularly what her words do. ]
You mean when I'm under you, breathing like you made me run for it? [ warm and close and inviting. It's not like either of them had much patience sometimes, but then again - ] When I can't say anything else but sigh your name out and I can't stand up and I'm shaking from hanging onto you so hard?
[ It wasn't like either of them to back down when they were stuck on something either. ]
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Presses her lips together, and it is so, so quiet, what she knows is worse, than whatever it is Parker fears would happen to her. That the hive would consume her, and no doubt, one day she would make that sacrifice. But in that way, she would always be part of the hive. ]
Because I'm dead, Parker, the symbiote is the only thing keeping me alive. My father ruined me, he destroyed my body so utterly and my life meant nothing, that what the hive has done for me is the only reason I am with you now. I can't risk my body rejecting it, or it rejecting me.
[ She can't be sure what causes it, why some of them go to sleep, but she was determined with all of herself to keep hanging onto this chance of life that she had been so utterly denied. She wouldn't risk the chance that it ended a day too soon. This - all of it - was too precious, that for the first time in her life she could truly help the people she cared about. That she could kiss Parker until her body went numb with it - it's all because they had taken her away, given her this moment.
And now, she does push away, side-stepping out from under her, her arms tucking in close to her and shut herself away. It's done, it's just... done. She doesn't have anything else to say really. ] I'm... I'm going to go, okay?
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[ Whatever she was expecting, it definitely was not that. Something about loyalty to the hive, to Cathaway, whatever. What comes out of her mouth is so raw and unfiltered, it hits her like an iron fist, rips the air out of her lungs. Tears still dropping, uneven stream down her cheeks, her eyebrows climb up slowly on her forehead and her eyes widen in shock. Doesn't know which feeling to pinpoint in that moment.
Only a beat after it is clear which one is spreading from her chest to the rest of her. Anger flares and she can barely contain it behind those immense walls, seeping through the smallest crack, climbing up like a disease. Not to Angel, no, but to her situation and to the hive and how dare they prey on the weak, pretending to be giving them a chance when really they are just chaining them to an eternal prison of servitude and mindlessness.
Parker feels like... Well, mostly like an asshole, but also decisively at loss for words. Her eyes searching Angel's quickly then, like in panic, and she wants to-- Oh, she has no idea what she wants. Feels sick and helpless and hates the feeling of not being able to do anything. Conflicted and robbed of hope: whatever had been hiding deep down, that maybe she could make Angel see that there were other ways away from the hive, all gone.
She can't breathe for a second and has to crouch, pressing her forehead to her knees, slowly slipping her hands over her head, into her hair, gripping too tight, until it hurts. Shoulders shaking and she has no idea what to make of it. Doesn't say anything when Angel starts to move away. For a long time, too.
Then she finally finds her voice, hoarse and sticky, tongue dry and throat raw. ]
Don't go.
[ She could say a thousand things. She could say nothing. She could demand answers. Demand why she did not tell her before. But she chooses to beg into her jeans. Does not chase her because it is not right, would never do that.
But the thought of her gone is too much. The absolute certainty that she will never have anything else but this. The inevitability that they will break away one day, getting closer to that moment each second that goes by. Parker is anger and sadness and loss and terrifying loneliness, all in that second. ]
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She pretends so often to be a qualitative force, all soft-spoken words to help others in their grieving, but she has never stopped to do the same for herself. Her eyes down, feeling an acrid taste in her mouth. This is it, isn't it? This is what they will be.
She never wanted any of this, she had only wanted to snatch her life for seconds that she never got, she only wanted to have happiness and everything in between that she had never felt. Something tears itself up inside of her as she kneels in front of her for awhile, still at a loss, she just can't stand to see her curled up little like this.
Swallows, her fingers hover without touching, not sure how to. She feels vulnerable and open. ]
Please... please, look at me?
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She feels her settle in front of her but doesn't-- can't move. Trying to breathe in. Breathe out. Fingers so tight in her hair she might just rip it out. Knows, knows so well, knows too much, that this is what they are and all they can be and nothing more, nothing less. How they will always walk the tight space of distant threads that are so tangled up any pull on them makes them tighter and painful. She never wanted to be more, never wanted for this to happen. She didn't want her kindness nor her warmth. But Angel had given her that, more, more, and Parker kept chasing it. Like running a straight line in the dark with no direction. Always trying to reach but never quite fully there.
Parker doesn't look up. She falls forward. Scrapping knees on the ground, but that is only normal. Curls her fingers around the front of Angel's jacket and keeps herself there. Touching but at a distance. Her whole body weighs like sinking steel. Clings to her clothes, tight under curled fingers, head down. ]
Don't go.
[ She says again in a sob, in a small voice, in a nothingness of a whisper. Looks up to her, eyes wet, shiny, red. Feels so-- betrayed, but knows she has no right to feel like that, she has her own secrets, with so many walls, but it hurts that she didn't know, that she only told her because she pushed and it shatters through her like glass, cuts like shards, bleeds tiny cuts everywhere. ]
I need you.
[ Selfish coward. Weak, worthless, guilty. And yet she still gets to be the one that lives. ]
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It's mess, they're a mess, and it's the same raw breath she takes in deep like she was dying all over again. ]
I'm here, I'll always be here with you.
[ She has nowhere else to go, that much is obvious now. This is her, beginning middle and - no end, she knows now, but an infinity. Across a thousand screens and a thousand machines and in the long echoes of the hives memories, it is where she will be.
She is thankful of the hive, not hateful of it. Long ago, she was asked if this felt like freedom to her - but the thing was, Cathaway had never lied to her. She said she could make this place a home, a family of her own, and she had, made up for all her own empty spaces, and taught her what it was to be needed for herself, not for her use. ]
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The words sting more than they help. Always here. She knows. Parker frowns, gripping tightly on to Angel. It is closer to the absolute truth than she wants it to be. She will always be part of this thing. Parker has yet to quit searching for a way out (one of those secrets), has yet to give up on finding a way to peel the symbiote from her. And nothing could stop her from trying - except death.
She lets herself stay there, anchor in Angel, shoulders trembling with each stronger sob, muffling shaky, breathless gasps into her chest. Maybe part of her wished she could take Angel with her, maybe she just thought that she could take away the symbiote from everyone, let it rot somewhere. A pure rejection of it. Diseases use bodies as hosts. It is nothing more than a parasite. But she can't, now.
Angel is there, now, then, and so Parker keeps still for it. Wraps her fingers around her wrist, holding on. And she stays there, not moving, not wanting to move. Wanting to keep the memory of her intact. Trying to take in Angel's kindness and warmth and calmness in to her soul, and maybe that will ease the pain, but the only thing that does is her presence and her existence and how it shortens every day it passes. And if she can have her arms near one more time, she will take it. ]
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Can think of nothing, for awhile, watching the suns move above them. Then idly, drawing her fingers through her hair, dark against her pale fingers. ]
I am sorry you had to find out. I never thought... it would ever come up, I guess.
[ She had wanted so much to pretend that her old life held no sway over her. She had shed it, burned it all from herself like the phoenixes they so often called sirens. Maybe not that she had been born free, so much as just born again. A different life that was all her own now. She was content, to just it all go. ]
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But she hasn't accepted and it is why it hurts so much. Parker presses her face tighter against Angel's shoulder as the ache spreads over her, doesn't go, clings to her like tar. She slips her arms around her waist, flattens her hands against her back. Feels-- sorry. Feels for her. Feels bad about all of this and most of all, hates that she can do nothing to help Angel and is so jealous the hive has given her an answer (not that she would know her if she hadn't, but for all her logical side, Parker often thinks with her heart).
She opens her eyes, cheek against her shoulder, as she stares off into nothing. The horizon of the tall buildings, all alien and pretty. Pain still swirling, but pushing it slowly inside of her. Swallowing it down and into her chest, where it burns and transforms into anger. But not now. Now she is just-- aching. Parker leans her head back slightly, pressing her nose to her cheek. Doesn't say anything because she has nothing to say (never has the proper words anyway). Brushes her lips to her soft skin. Takes in her scent and god, she wants to memorize it forever. ]
I'm sorry.
[ And it has been years since those words have left her mouth. But she is not apologizing for what it is, or what it was. She is apologizing for what will inevitably be. ]
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[ It's the last thing she wants anyone to tell her, her face turning into Parker's cheek, a smooth motion as she nuzzles back into her.
There's a lot more to it, other than she died, other than she had been alive, other than the hive had given her a way out of her own fate. Because she had been ready to do, it's not like it had snuck on her, she had years and years of watching, waiting, knowing and accepting what had happened to her. ]
I spent years, watching others, my whole life, in fact. So much misery and so much death. Because that's what Pandora is. [ It's murmured softly, quiet like secrets maybe should be and she has far, far too many of them. ] I learned that eventually what was and could have been doesn't really matter, to what you do now.
[ and Parker - Parker more than anything, made her happy, made her feel whole and wanted and she is just as selfish with that want. A greediness that only loneliness makes as she turns into her. ]
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Parker brings one of her hands up to wipe her face, eyes and nose and cheek a shade of red and pink. Her other hand curls its fingers around her jacket like she doesn't ever want to let go (she will have to one day, but not now, not today, should, but can't, would make it easier the earlier she does but how could she, when she holds her like that and feels so warm and is so kind and so gentle and has her fingers in her hair and keeps her close, so close?). Lays her cheek back on her shoulder, facing her neck, so pretty and pale. Still hurt, still a heavy pain in her heart. Parker sighs through her nose, closing her eyes for a moment.
She should let go in that moment. Like ripping a bandaid. Easier when it's still early (but it is already so late). Sometimes she can feel it, the way there is more than Angel in there and it wrenches in her heart like poison. Watches across the room, sometimes, when she isn't looking, and it clogs in her throat, in the pit of her stomach. Every day a little harder to bear.
And then, she says things like that. Parker knows what her apology meant. Angel still does not. And one day she will, maybe, when she inevitably dives into her destruction. Somehow.
Parker lifts her head from her shoulder finally, eyes still wet and agonisingly sad. Looks over her face, her eyes, her mouth. Doesn't have it in her to say that she wants to rip away from all of this. That she might just become her own Pandora. There is no courage in her to speak such words. She slips a hand against the side of her neck, tracing her thumb over her jaw. Frowns, because it hurts. How can she let go of her when she has barely held on?
Instead, she can only beg. ]
You're here now. [ And in this moment, just for now, Parker wants to wrap around her and shield her from all the death and misery she will one day bring and she knows there will be no turning back, no forgiveness, but she keeps it a secret. For this one moment, she can keep it away from her.
She leans in, kisses her soft, barely a touch. Leans back again, to look to her eyes. ]
Stay with me tonight.
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It's coaxing, inviting into her own solidness. One kiss in a brush, and then another, her lips parting against hers, a soft barely there sound she presses into her because -- it's instant, quick pulsing light that shudders out of her. Echoing brightly, so utterly entranced so much by the contact and of having. Needful and open. Holding herself just so inside the brace of Parker's fingers.
Her eyes close, and she leans into her, as much as she leans. Some days she thinks she could be this warm for days, for Parker. ]
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She tries not to be, well, too much, but how could she not? Parker breathes softly into the kiss before pulling back just a fraction. Hovers over her mouth like that, looking up to her eyes. She has no idea why it affects her so, the way Angel is, the way she feels, the way she cares for her. Sweet and unashamedly so. Parker kisses her cheek once, lingering. Wants to tell her she is sorry and won't stop feeling like that for a long time and eventually will have to come to terms that it is a weight she is going to carry all her life (doesn't have to, could easily fall in to the hive and would accepted in a warm embrace, but it doesn't work like that for her, would not allow herself to lose agency, to lose her memories and her fight). Buries her face in her neck and breathes shakily, before pressing small kisses to her skin and for a moment that is all she wants, to adore her with her lips. Not the best place or position for it, but they are there and the moment is there and it is impossible not to hurt with it.
Parker leans back up to her lips and parts them around Angel's, not too intense about it but definitely wanting. And it lasts, lasts for a long time, as long as Angel will let her kiss her and slip her tongue in to her mouth. Not the kind of rush that comes with hot heartbeats, but a languidness that comes with longing. They should move, they should, but, ah, she is too warm and too comfortable in Angel's arms, safe and wanted and existing. ]
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Because this might be something she never dared to dream of but as Parker's kisses wonder across her skin, she arches for it, like she found so easy to do. Her fingers uncurling only to grip again, a little lower, sharp into her shoulders, holding her tightly to keep her there, kissing her, an echo of a word in her throat that is stillborn, formed and forgotten as she feels the brush of Parker's tongue in her mouth and rolls the line of her body in beckoning. Because she wants that pain, sweet as it is.
It's there, that she ought to press some sense into them. ( As much as the thought of letting Parker kissing her there is a vivid thought, as gritty and as detailed, of laying here, bared, in the sun like it's all theirs and everyone else could be damned - but she'd found out she had far less hang ups about that then Parker did ). Instead, she pulls away just barely, swallowing, lips reddened and wet and her eyes bright - ]
Find me somewhere where I can touch you?
[ Silly because, well she is, regardless, but she figures Parker can fill in the blanks. Because she wants to, oh she wants to, she adores her, it sings so brightly in her mind there's no mistaking that under current, she wants to pour over her, as if - as if she could make it all up, somehow, press quiet forgive me's into her dip of her ribs. Give her sharp, sharp memories, as real as her teeth dragging across her thighs. ]
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[ It seems that Angel always knows what to say or what to do, what to push in to her soul (that Parker is still so careful about, keeps it closed even around Angel - even if she is much more open to her than anyone else). Fingers in her hair and Parker is all weak and soft and easy for her, always is, pulling her closer with the hand on her back. Doesn't break from her lips, because she can't, afraid she will stop breathing if she does. Shifts into her, her hand around her shoulder going further out to wrap her fingers around the railing - again trapping her without closing off all the exits, still gentle and soft, not pushing but taking what she gives her so freely. Because it makes it easier, makes it less painful, and she doesn't feel it rip apart from inside if Angel keeps holding her, her fingers in her hair feel better than almost anything, the way she holds her close like that.
Parker tilts her head almost obediently to Angel's, following her kisses and her lips and drowns in it. In her.
It is impossible for Parker not to follow her mouth when Angel pulls back to speak, too close to not to give in to that temptation. But she lets her speak when her first words are pressed into her lips, slowly opening her eyes up to her. And it makes her heart race a little faster and swell up and sometimes she wonders just exactly how much does Angel know how her words affect her (she is sure she does, she knows well how to use them, better than bullets), how her words can make her do anything she asked her. Her eyes linger on hers, before they skim over to her lips again, exhale, back up to her again. Curling hair sticking slightly everywhere at the back of her head because of Angel's hand and that is perfect.
Saying what she is saying... Parker looks almost taken aback by her own keen want over just the thought of it. ]
Oh, I-- Okay. [ But she doesn't move right away, cheeks now not just red from her tears but from a bursting heart and a warmth that is all too familiar, that Angel can easily bring forth with a touch, with a word. ] We can go back to the quarters?
[ She almost, almost would let her pull her into her right there and then. It crosses her mind. Would do it, if Angel told her to, because she can't deny her anything, but there is definitely part of her that feels... Shy about it, would rather have the privacy, always been like that. ]
It's not far.
[ She lowers her eyes down her neck, watching, lower, twist in her belly. ]
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Her hands sweep up her back, fingers splayed wide and she swells with a deep breath - it's so tempting to roll her back now in a curled tight impatience and greed. But she bites her lip, stills the want, and nods slowly. ]
Alright.
[ It's an agony, to peel her fingers away, to drop her hands onto the ground, but it's as much as she can do, trapped there under Parker. Her eyes looking up at her face, patiently waiting for her to move off of her. Not in any hurry, regardless. ]
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Oh, yeah. Right. Needs to move.
Parker finds herself feeling silly and fumbles slightly. Nods again to Angel, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. She moves away from her, slow and steady, up to her feet, holding both her hands down for Angel to take them. Tugs her up, close, breathing a little shakily. Kisses her again. Just one more, before they have to go out in public.
Little dumb shy thing. ]
Meet me there?
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Sinks down back to flat feet and nods the once. ]
Can't go down the stairs like everyone else? [ Smiles, brief, teasing before she disentangles herself. ] See you soon.
[ Wonders which way is honestly quicker, but for all her worry about Angel being part of the hive, Angel herself fretted at the way she threw herself around so openly. ]
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She gives her a little wave before she sets off; quick, makes it look easy as she leaps over the railings and slides down the steep roof of the building. Slides too fast, or looks like it, but it is with years of training that Parker knows well when to push up and jump across the roof to the next one, further down with a considerable distance.
It doesn't take long for Parker to disappear from sight. She seldom needs the spine in her to absorb impacts, so well practiced she is in the art of parkour, years and years of it under her belt, every day trying to become a little better.
Her competitive nature comes out easily, and she makes a point of getting there as fast as she can, as if to prove to Angel her reasoning to not to take the stairs. Faster and quieter, running through unfamiliar land, alien and strange, but something she has grown used through the space and time they have traveled with the hive.
So, basically, Parker is a child that will try to get to the finishing line before Angel and doesn't even have the decency of using the front door, slipping through the open window of her room. Energized from it, better in her mind to have cleared it out with her athletics. Helps, a little. Not as much as Angel does, but enough for the moment. Plops down on the window sill to pull off her boots already. ]
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She goes then, and she doesn't really expect to beat her back, but she's still quick. Heading back towards her room -- and isn't even slightly surprised when she finds Parker already there. Some half formed threat that goes no further than another roll of her eyes, that one day she will just shut that window on one of these planets.
She shuts the door behind her with a click, locking it pointedly. Parker cares a great deal more than she does sometimes about such different things. She turns back to her, dropping her jacket by the door as she comes further into the small room. ]
Making yourself at home?
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Parker already has her boots off when Angel gets there, jacket left on the back of a chair, wearing only her loose white top, always simple and monochrome colours for her. She looks up from her bottle, water-like liquid with a honey aftertaste. Good enough for an alien planet. Smiles around it and puts the lid back on, setting it on the desk next to her. ]
Yeah.
[ She leans back on the window sill, fingers around it as she shrugs her shoulders a little. Her collarbone dips with the position, bringing to view a very clear mark down her neck, a memory for not many days ago left by Angel (not that she minds, might just as well be kind of happy with the mark left by her). ]
You took long.
[ Not a complaint, but rather a tease, eyebrow arching slightly. See? Stairs are useless. ]
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?
[ Counters light and airy as she -- doesn't quite come closer to Parker, deliberately so. Rather, she might have just taken her damn time in particular, except not really, because she was just as impatient sometimes. Kept it to herself, most of the time, she just found it exceptionally easy to selfish where Parker was concerned, and Parker didn't seem to mind in the slightest. ]
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Her fingers drum against the window sill as Angel does not seem to move an inch and she holds out for a second, before pushing herself off from it, walking over to Angel because she knows well that, although Parker is stubborn, when it comes to her, she is the most flexible person in the world and willing to do her bidding.
And also because she has no control over her impatience.
But at least she keeps her hands to herself, slipping on the back pocket of her black jeans. Leans just a little to kiss her cheek gently, nosing along the jaw without touching too much, just barely there. ]
Are you thirsty or hungry? I can get something if you want.
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No, I'm alright.
[ Turns, and there's something so satisfying when she leans in just enough to brush the tip of her nose against the mark she'd left. ] You? Sure that running didn't tire you out?
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She smiles a little to herself when she feels Angel nose at her collarbone and turns her face in to her hair, letting it tickle her nose. Wants to put her arms around her shoulders, but she is being stubborn for the sake of being a brat. At least she does not withhold other affections, like pressing a little kiss to the side of her head, before planting her cheek there. Breathes softly, eyes closing as she enjoys the moment. Simple and calm and painless, for once. Can forget about the sadness for a little while. Short, but worth it. ]
Are you saying I tire easily?
[ Mock offense to her tone, though it is more neutral, so much she sounds like she is genuinely posing a question. ]
I mean, I know you try to test my limits often, but I think you lose all the time? If I'm not mistaken?
[ Okay, that is openly mocking, yeah. ]
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But it's so, so easy to be awful when she's allowed to. Teeth catching on her lip, and she always used her words, always so carefully, and used to using them, but maybe not quite like this. Not with such immediate results, and there's more to using them than just saying them she's found out. Her head turning up to brush her lips at her ear, voice inviting.
An agreement, but with cost. Because she knows particularly what her words do. ]
You mean when I'm under you, breathing like you made me run for it? [ warm and close and inviting. It's not like either of them had much patience sometimes, but then again - ] When I can't say anything else but sigh your name out and I can't stand up and I'm shaking from hanging onto you so hard?
[ It wasn't like either of them to back down when they were stuck on something either. ]
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