[ It is not cruelty that makes her say it. It is not an escape that peels the words from her mouth. It is pure affection. It is genuine heart. And she knows the weight of them to Angel, never says it lightly, always avoids saying it (has always been better at showing it anyway), but she needed to. She had to. If it is the last thing she can say with a sober mind, then it should be it. She doesn't apologize for it either, looking at Angel soft and weak and tired and reverent and-- and all that she can only be with her.
Her eyes close at the touch of the fingers, flinching slightly. Thinks it to be another round of pain, but it isn't, and she lets out a breathless gasp for it, leaning her cheek against one of the hands, pressing the soft skin there. Peels a hand from her shirt, wiping the blood off her nose, and sets it gently around Angel's wrist, fingers wrapping one by one in absolute surrender. She watches her lean in, heart skips a beat that hurts too much, waiting for another spark, but it's only soft and gentle and warm and all the things Angel can't say and Parker wants to cry for it. Presses forward to kiss her back, god, doesn't want it to end, doesn't want to let go, because she's selfish, because she's coveting. It's everything she wants and nothing at all. It's everything she needs.
It's the only thing she needs.
When she leans back, she gasps for it, pained whimper, tries to follow her but only ends up sliding off the chair and to the floor. Feels... wrong. Tragedy. Parker pushes herself up, arm around the chair seat, looking up at Angel with red eyes and trembling shoulders and shortness of breath. ]
I know. [ She says in a raspy voice. She knows she doesn't need her to say it. She wants to tell her every day. Even if it hurts a little, deep down, that she can't say it, but she has long decided that she doesn't care if she can't, as long as she can stay with her.
Ironic.
It hurts to look at her, to hear her, to read her, between the lines. And she wants to get up and hold her and beg her to stay, to be with her, to take her as she is, because this is all she will ever be.
Parker watches every movement of her with eyes red and tears stinging through, shaking slightly. Don't go, don't go, don't go. She knows it's not fair. She knows she is selfish. But nothing is fair. Nothing has ever been fair.
It crosses her face, absolute confusion. Is-- Is she--? ]
What? [ Parker tries to stand, but can't, ends up falling on her arms. She pushes herself up, hard to do. ] Angel, what--?
[ No, no, this is not what she wanted. Not really. She watches her leave and something rips inside of her and whatever link had them connected doesn't compare to the raw feeling of her leaving. ]
Angel!
[ It tear through her throat, her name, like you would call out your prayer in a time of desperation. She can't-- She can't--
And it hurts every bone in her body, every nerve, it kills her to do it, but Parker pushes herself up, through the hurt. Vision clouded by the pain, she takes two steps before falling. Yells in frustration, in pain, and gets up again. Cries out for her as she does, manages to stumble to the door and holds herself up there. ]
Angel! [ Sobs, louder than anything she should be able to produce.
Don't-- Don't. Don't, don't, don't. Not seeing her again will kill her. She doesn't want to lose anyone again. She's tired of losing everyone she loves. She's tired of having to carry the weight of the world. She' tired, she's exhausted, she's beyond help, and the only solace she has is Angel. She loves her and she knows it's going to kill her if she just-- if she doesn't-- doesn't do something. She doesn't know what, it's not logical, it's raw and savage and animalistic, but she doesn't want to be separated from her. It works the other way around for Parker, now without the symbiote, without all the voices, all the effort of shutting out people, of listening to a will that is not hers, her mind is clearer and she knows well what she wants, what she needs. Who she loves. Unconditionally. Timelessly.
She manages to get to the corridor before collapsing, legs trembling, breathing hard and fast. The effort churns in her stomach, vomits something foul akin to water and blood. Needs to stop, needs to not to move with the spine still recovering from the abuse, the biowires pressing too hard on her organs from the failsafe overload, and yet she doesn't. She drags herself to a nearby wall, using it to prop herself up, holding her side to it as she drags herself after her. ]
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Her eyes close at the touch of the fingers, flinching slightly. Thinks it to be another round of pain, but it isn't, and she lets out a breathless gasp for it, leaning her cheek against one of the hands, pressing the soft skin there. Peels a hand from her shirt, wiping the blood off her nose, and sets it gently around Angel's wrist, fingers wrapping one by one in absolute surrender. She watches her lean in, heart skips a beat that hurts too much, waiting for another spark, but it's only soft and gentle and warm and all the things Angel can't say and Parker wants to cry for it. Presses forward to kiss her back, god, doesn't want it to end, doesn't want to let go, because she's selfish, because she's coveting. It's everything she wants and nothing at all. It's everything she needs.
It's the only thing she needs.
When she leans back, she gasps for it, pained whimper, tries to follow her but only ends up sliding off the chair and to the floor. Feels... wrong. Tragedy. Parker pushes herself up, arm around the chair seat, looking up at Angel with red eyes and trembling shoulders and shortness of breath. ]
I know. [ She says in a raspy voice. She knows she doesn't need her to say it. She wants to tell her every day. Even if it hurts a little, deep down, that she can't say it, but she has long decided that she doesn't care if she can't, as long as she can stay with her.
Ironic.
It hurts to look at her, to hear her, to read her, between the lines. And she wants to get up and hold her and beg her to stay, to be with her, to take her as she is, because this is all she will ever be.
Parker watches every movement of her with eyes red and tears stinging through, shaking slightly. Don't go, don't go, don't go. She knows it's not fair. She knows she is selfish. But nothing is fair. Nothing has ever been fair.
It crosses her face, absolute confusion. Is-- Is she--? ]
What? [ Parker tries to stand, but can't, ends up falling on her arms. She pushes herself up, hard to do. ] Angel, what--?
[ No, no, this is not what she wanted. Not really. She watches her leave and something rips inside of her and whatever link had them connected doesn't compare to the raw feeling of her leaving. ]
Angel!
[ It tear through her throat, her name, like you would call out your prayer in a time of desperation. She can't-- She can't--
And it hurts every bone in her body, every nerve, it kills her to do it, but Parker pushes herself up, through the hurt. Vision clouded by the pain, she takes two steps before falling. Yells in frustration, in pain, and gets up again. Cries out for her as she does, manages to stumble to the door and holds herself up there. ]
Angel! [ Sobs, louder than anything she should be able to produce.
Don't-- Don't. Don't, don't, don't. Not seeing her again will kill her. She doesn't want to lose anyone again. She's tired of losing everyone she loves. She's tired of having to carry the weight of the world. She' tired, she's exhausted, she's beyond help, and the only solace she has is Angel. She loves her and she knows it's going to kill her if she just-- if she doesn't-- doesn't do something. She doesn't know what, it's not logical, it's raw and savage and animalistic, but she doesn't want to be separated from her. It works the other way around for Parker, now without the symbiote, without all the voices, all the effort of shutting out people, of listening to a will that is not hers, her mind is clearer and she knows well what she wants, what she needs. Who she loves. Unconditionally. Timelessly.
She manages to get to the corridor before collapsing, legs trembling, breathing hard and fast. The effort churns in her stomach, vomits something foul akin to water and blood. Needs to stop, needs to not to move with the spine still recovering from the abuse, the biowires pressing too hard on her organs from the failsafe overload, and yet she doesn't. She drags herself to a nearby wall, using it to prop herself up, holding her side to it as she drags herself after her. ]